The World Needs To Know Teen Titans Edition
by Queen-morganalefay
Summary: My friends and I conduct an interview of the Titans, and as usual, chaos ensues. Rating for the usual insanity, maybe a little profanity, and of course, our inhumanity. Muhahaha. A stupid comedy fic for me to work on between writer's block. Will eventuall
1. Robin

**Author's Note: **Okay, since I'm insane and me and my friends have had this conversation dozens of times, I've decided to conduct an interview with the Titans. Fun! Yay! Stupid comedy…!Here we go. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, a "schtick" is a stick with Shaun Connery accent attached.

* * *

_(Scene starts and focuses in on an abandoned cafeteria somewhere in a Georgia private school. Lighting turns on and dimly lights the silhouettes of three girls sitting in a panel like manner around the table. The door opens at the far end of the cafeteria, and a boy with spiky black hair, a mask, and a colorful costume enters. He stares around.)_

Robin: What the---

_(Bright lights turn on and an illuminated neon blinking sign lights up behind the three girls. An invisible EMCEE begins in his deep announcer voice)_

EMCEE: And Welcome! To today's thrilling edition of _The World Needs to Know, _Teen Titans edition! Today we'll be interviewing the heroes, but first! Let's introduce our interviewers.

_(Camera swings around to the girl on the far left. She has brown hair and is wearing a Breakfast Club shirt, jeans, and pink converses.)_

EMCEE: Interviewer 1, StarStar16! This prep/punkrock mix diva enjoys annoying her two best friends, her parents, and everyone else on the planet.

StarStar16: Do you want to eat that mike?

EMCEE: No. _(Frowns as StarStar16 flicks him off and then continues.) _Interviewer 2, Queen-morganalefay!

_(Camera swings around to the girl in the middle. She has dirty blonde hair with lighter blonde streaks and is wearing a Queen t-shirt, black jeans, a Grim Reaper ring, sword necklace, and black and pink converses. She waves in a bored manner.)_

EMCEE: This insane freak of a writer enjoys writing tragedy stories in which Starfire always seems to die if it's a Teen Titans fanfic, supporting the Robin/Raven pairing, playing her Fender guitar, and confusing people.

Queen-morganalefay: That's really all you've got? That's it? You didn't even include my obsession with—

(_Interviewer still in shadow interrupts) _

Interviewer 3: We don't need to know about that.

Queen-morganalefay: You mean about—

Interviewer 3: Shutup!

EMCEE: Oookay…anyways. _(Camera swings to the third girl, who has shoulder length light blonde hair, and is wearing a "I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?" shirt, with jeans and combat boots, and a Georgia bulldogs jacket tied around her waist). _Interviewer 3, Teen-Titans-Junkie! This interviewer enjoys abusing Queen-morganalefay about her boyfr—

Teen-Titans-Junkie: I'm telling you, shutup! _(stands menacingly and grabs the schtick)_

EMCEE: _(speed reading his notes in fear)_ …trying to get her drums so she can join Queen-morganalefay in a band, talking about music, and drawing manga. _(wipes brow as TTJ sits down.)_

Robin: _(eyebrow raised_) Er…can I know why I'm here?

Queen: _(mysterious expression) _Why are any of us here?

StarStar16: _(with impatient expression_) EMCEE, do your job and tell Robin why he's here.

EMCEE: _(mutters)_ Fine, fine… _(begins again in louder voice) _Robin of the Teen Titans! You are here to be interviewed by our lovely interviewers---

TTJ: _(holds up hand) _Hold up…we're lovely now?

EMCEE: ---on the hit show, The World Needs to Know! _(music begins to play, and it happens to be the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody. Star and TTJ turn to Queen)._

Star: Have you been switching out the music again?

TTJ: Yeah, where's the theme music?

Queen: _(hums the twilight zone theme song. Freddie Mercury is cut off mid-note and Queen turns to Robin, pressing her fingertips together in a benevolent manner, though her smirk is somewhat evil)_ Robin, dear, have a seat.

Robin: _(Robin, looking somewhat bewildered, sits in the armchair across the table from the three girls. TTJ whirls toward the stage crew.)_

TTJ: Why does he get an armchair?

Star: Because…he's Robin. Boy Wonder always gets what he wants.

Queen: Very true. Now, to begin. Robin, thank you for joining us today. We'd just like to ask you a few—

Robin: Look, this is great and all, but I was right in the middle of a fight with Johnny Rancid and—

Star: He was winning, wasn't he?

Robin: No!

TTJ: _(In an assuring tone) _This won't take long. Promise.

Robin: _(resigned sigh) _Fine. I suppose you're all harmless.

Star: _(shaking her head) _Oh, Robby, Robby…you have so much to learn, so little time.

Queen: Robin…

TTJ: If that is your real name.

Star: And it's not. It's ------ (word is bleeped out by our supervisors). What? That's a name!

Queen: How long have you been the leader of the Teen Titans?

Robin: _(scratches head) _Er…about a year or two…

TTJ: Real sure there, aren't you?

Queen: And how long have you been secretely going out with Slade?

Robin: What!

Queen: Star, do we have those clips?

Star: _(Turning to the big screen TV and turning it on, inserting a DVD. She cackles in an evilish manner) _We sure do, Queen. We sure do.

TTJ:_ (In mock baby voice) _You got some 'splanin' to do…

_(The DVD starts and shows the scene from The Apprentice pt. 2 when Slade is grinding Robin's face into the ground and saying "All my knowledge, all my power, all for you…" Star freezes the clip and turns to Robin with a triumphant smirk)_

Star: How do you explain that, Robby?

Robin: We are _fighting! _

Queen: _(nods understandingly_) Lover's spat. Understandable.

Robin: Slade is my archrival! That's just disgusting.

TTJ: That's what we thought, too.

Star: So, on to the next question. _(She leans back in her chair and examines the ceiling)_ Are those tights or pants?

Robin: Huh?

Star: Come, come, Robin. Tights or pants, which is it? The world needs to know!

_(The real theme music begins and blares out the four teenagers in the cafeteria)_

TTJ: Stop the music! STOP THE MUSIC!

_(Music stops and Queen smiles, but TTJ just rolls her eyes.)_

TTJ: Sure. Now it works. Anyways, Star, don't ask him that. It doesn't matter, he's hot!

Star: But the world needs to know!

Robin: Erm…

TTJ: You don't have to answer…but it would be nice to know.

Queen: The hell he doesn't have to answer. Of course he has to answer!

Robin: I…er…

TTJ: Next question…_(shuffles through some papers that happen to be drawings she's done. She pulls out one of a purple haired girl in a "don't feed the models" shirt) _Robin, what are your connections with this girl?

Queen: Don't lie. We have proof that you associate with her.

_(Star rolls a clip of a tape of Robin and a person that has clearly had their head switched with the drawing)_

Robin: This is ridiculous.

Star: _(Speaks in condescending tone)_ No, Robin. This is a TV. See---_(she points)_ T…V…television.

Queen: Are the rumors of a deep and personal relationship between you and Raven true?

Robin: If it was true, then what makes you think I'd tell you something that is supposed to be 'deep' and 'personal'.

Star: He doesn't go out with Raven. He's not cool enough.

Queen: Yes he is. _(turns to Robin) _So, it's a secret, which means it's meant to be revealed to the world.

Robin: That's not what a secret means…

Queen: Of course it is! I mean, you've never seen a villain with a Super Everyone-Knows-It Plan. It's always a Super Secret Plan that he reveals to the world!

Robin: You ever think you watch too much TV…

Star: _(muttering) _And reads too many books, and listens to too many seventies bands, and writes too many stupid stories.

Queen: I can _hear _you…

TTJ: _(Leans toward Robin while the other two are fighting) _By the way, so you know, I'm available.

Robin: _(groans in exasperation) _If you three don't let me go, I'll---

TTJ: _(jumps up) _Watch it, guys! Robin's gone psycho again!

_(All three girls grab their schticks and call security in the loudest voice they can muster. The last shot shows Robin being dragged off by about six or seven armed security guards while trying to break free as they shock him with the taser. The EMCEE comes on screen again, looking harassed, and straightens his tie.)_

EMCEE: Well, until tomorrow, when we continue this segment with more interviews from the Titans, this has been _The World Needs to Know._ Thank you and good night.

_(Camera fades out on the three girls holding up a sign that says "We have Elvis" with Elvis crossed out and Robin written beneath in red crayon)_


	2. Raven

**Author's Note: **Yes, yes, I know the last chapter was insane. And we didn't ask Robin nearly all the questions that the world needs to know, but don't worry. We have him captured and hogtied, and we'll bring him back. Oh, we will. Muhahaha.

Now, on with it, before I am beaten with the schtick.

**Disclaimer: **I forgot this piece of nonsense. I DON'T OWN THE TITANS! But I do reserve the right to force them all into a plexiglass box and/or harrass them.

**Terra: **(bows) Thankyou, thankyou...(puts up another chapter)

**Raven of the Night 676: **All in good time, my friend. All in good time. I think Starfire is...either next, or after Beast Boy. Help me decide, Star, or BB? Who's getting harrassed next?

**Teya Yoshitoda: **(starts laughing right along with her, having so much fun with interviewing the Titans with her best friends.)

* * *

_(Camera fades back in on the, once again, deserted cafeteria, where our three interviewers are deep in conversation.)_

TTJ: I'm just saying, I'm not sure if we should hold a two dimmensional hero hostage in a three dimensional world.

Queen: Why not?

Star: Yeah, we have the technology. We can rebuild him.

Queen: But should we?

TTJ: _(nods) _Excellent point.

EMCEE: _(clears throat loudly. The three girls look up and are shocked to find the camera right on them)_

TTJ: Oh, crap, are we on?

Star: Damn it, isn't the stage crew supposed to tell us that?

Queen: Yeah, man, just because we're not proffessionals doesn't mean we can't act like them.

EMCEE: Can we get on with this? _(sounds annoyed)_ I mean, we are interrupting regular broadcasting for this.

All three: _(unified sigh)_ Fine.

_(Camera swings back to the EMCEE, who is straightening his tie again. He smiles, and the neon, blinking sign lights up again behind our three interviewers) _

EMCEE: Welcome again, faithful viewers, to _The World Needs to Know_!

Star: Technically they have to be faithful. We're interrupting sattelite signal for this.

TTJ: Yeah, we've even invaded the internet.

EMCEE: Those of you who have watched before remember our interviewers. _(Camera zooms in on each individual interviewer, starting with Star) _Interviewer 1, StarStar16, _(smiles and waves at everyone with her middle finger_) Interviewer 2, Queen-morganalefay, _(she doesn't seem to realize the camera is on her and twiddles her thumbs, humming Another Bites the Dust loudly) _and, lastly, Interviewer 3, Teen-Titans-Junkie!_ (the blonde holds up the 'We Have Robin' sign from the previous episode. '10 kajillion dollar ransom' is written beneath Robin's name in green crayon) _Um...Teen-Titans-Junkie? 'Kajillion' isn't a real number.

TTJ: But it will be. Oh, it will be.

Queen and Star: Muhahahaha.

EMCEE: Right...and, now, let's introduce our next Titan to be interviewed on this special Teen Titansedition of _The World Needs to Know_, Raven!

_(The audience begins to clap as a disgruntled looking girl with short purple hair and a blue cloak and leotard appears from a transporting black energy vortex)_

Raven: This had better be important.

Queen: _(in serious tone) _It is. Trust us.

Raven: Who are you?

Star: _(bangs her mallet on the table in a gavlin type manner) _Overruled! All questions must be relevant.

TTJ: Oh, dear Lord preserve us...she has the mallet.

Star: _(grins and holds up her mallet for all to see and admire.)_

Queen: Raven, won't you have a seat? _(Queen motions to the armchair in front of the three girl's table_)

TTJ: This is getting ridiculous. Why does everyone get an armchair but us? _(stands and shouts and the top of her lungs)_ I demand an armchair!

Star: And I demand that my brother be sold to the circus!

Queen: And I demand to see my boyfriend! _(looks scared as the other two pick up their schticks_) Sorry. Don't know where that came from.

Raven: _(in a low, annoyed tone)_ And I demand that this nonsense stop and I be told what I'm doing here.

TTJ: _(with a very calm tone and expression, speaking toward Raven_) You creep me out. You know that, right?

Star: _(Star raises hand)_ I can tell you what your doing! _(smirks)_ You're sitting.

Queen: _(in a mock baby tone) _Very good, StarStar 16! Now, do you know what she can be doing while she's sitting?

Star: _(smirking)_

Queen: (_shocked look_) No, not that. _(Star and TTJ begin to laugh and Queen turns to Raven) _Raven, friend. You've been with the Titans for how long now?

Raven: As long as they have existed. About three years on our dimmension.

Queen: And of that time, how many relationships have you indulged in?

Raven: None.

Queen:_ (continues as her friends begin to shake their heads) _Oh, but I beg to differ. Because we have proof against that, Rae--

Star: Yeah. _(puts in a DVD to their big screen TV of evil and torment_) We have bad fanfictions to thank for that. Among other things...

_(Several scenes come up, and the three turn to examine them. They huddle and whisper, and then choose the first one, which happens to be the scene from Spellbound where Malchior says "A lock of hair from a beautiful girl." and Raven replies "Beautiful?". Star pauses the tape and they all turn toward Raven)_

TTJ: _(In a very accusing tone) _Well, young lady, what do you have to say for yourself?

Raven: Only that I'm older than you.

Queen: Just answer the question! _(steals Star's mallet and bangs it on the table. Raven sighs and rolls her eyes)_

Raven: That was a mistake. They're made. I didn't know he was a—

Queen: But mistakes are made with you quite often, aren't they?

Star: Exhibit B! _(shows a clip from one of the old comic books that shows a half naked Raven and skimpy dressed Starfire in a very…ahem…awkward position). _Man, I don't even _want _you to explain that.

Raven: _(confused look) _Um…

TTJ: _(holds up hands as if to stem the explanation) _We don't need to know.

Queen: I can't believe Star brought that one up. I thought we agreed _never to bring that up? _

TTJ: _(covers eyes) _Next example, please…

_(A clip begins to roll of Robin catching and carrying Raven to safety, then holding her. Queen freezes it and raises a fist of triumph while Star frowns.)_

Queen: Now, _that _is something I approve of!

Raven: Robin and I—

Queen: _(prompting) _Are secretly engaged?

Star: _(rises and grabs her mallet)_

TTJ: _(grabs her notes so that she can continue the show while the fight goes on. Queen gets her lightsaber of doom and Star retrieves her flame thrower. The two begin to duel in the background as TTJ reads) _We also have moments of Beast Boy/ Raven, Cyborg/Raven, Aqualad/Raven, RedX/Raven, Slade/Raven…the show must go on. The show must go on; inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be fakin' but my smile…wait _(turns to Queen, who is winning the fight, though with a few burns)._ Did you replace my notes with Queen lyrics?

Queen: Maybe…_(singsong voice) _I'll nev-er te-ell…

Raven: _(rolls eyes) _This is insane. I'm leaving!

_(Audience gasps. Star and Queen stop fighting, and TTJ drops her notes)_

Queen: _(suddenly deep, commanding voice) _No! I am the game master! You are my pawn! I created the world you see before you. I CONTROL YOUR FATE!

Star: _(rolls eyes) _Drama queen.

Queen: _(bows_)

TTJ: But seriously. You can't leave.

Raven: _(eyes glowing white and beginning to float) _Azarath, Metrion---

TTJ: Zucchini!

Raven: _(stopping)_ What?

Star: Squash!

Queen: Tomato!

Audience: Onion!

Raven: _(getting angry and two more eyes appearing, all four turning red. A deep voice begins to speak from the girl_) Enough of this foolishness!

_(All three girls begin to unshed their secret weapons. Queen's lightsaber of doom makes its glorious return, along with her sword of ultimate confusion and chaos. Star produces her mallet and the flamethrower, and TTJ begins to take of her combat boots, weapons in themselves.)_

Queen: _(in general like voice_) Stand fast, ladies. If you wake up in a green, grassy land, fear not! For this was merely a dream you had after taking NyQuil!

Star: Tottally.

Raven: Prepare to be defeated.

_(The camera turns back to the EMCEE, who was just posing in front of a mirror, looks embarrassed, and turns back to the camera. The four girls come into view, our interviewers subdueing demonic Raven and forcing her to be hogtied and thrown into the same plexiglass box as Robin. They turn toward one another to congratulate one another as the EMCEE begins to speak and the theme song music for The World Needs to Know begins to play)_

EMCEE: And that was another exciting episode of _The World Needs To Know! _Tune in tomorrow, when we abduct—I mean, interview—yet another Titan. Until then, this is the EMCEE _(whispers) and they're holding me hostage too! __(rubs the back of his head as all three girls whack him with their schticks. Camera fades out, and is replaced with a commercial)_

Commercial: NyQuil! Good for all your incredibly insane dream needs.


	3. Beast Boy

**Author's Note: **(stops playing air guitar long enough to look up). Que tal, my peeps! What's kicken'! We're moving on in our little interview, and guess what? Guess what, guess what? I GOT A QUEEN T-SHIRT! Muhahahahahahahahaha! FREDDIE MERCURY, BITCHES!

On with it, then.

**Teya Yoshitoda: **No, no no...We're not on drugs. Star is on drugs, but me and TTJ...we're not on drugs. We're naturally high.

**Valda: **nods We all did, my friend. X never had a moment with Raven...but in the fanfictions, he did...that's how screwed up some people are. But it's funny.

**Dark-Star-Mage-Mayhew: **Oh, believe me, my friend, I have particular bad emotions toward Starfire for daring to think she could be with Robin. I have a very special fate in store for her. Muhahahaha...and don't worry about the laugh. It's awesome!

**StarStar16: **I know. You'll get that chance later.

**Raven of the Night 676: **Oh, I've done better than that...much better. We asked him a better question about form...tehehehe...

* * *

_(camera fades in on Queen, sitting alone in a comfy living room with a fireplace behind her high-backed chair. She sits with her fingertips pressed together, benevolent smile on her face)_

Queen: I'm sure you're all very eager to get to our regular programming. And we will, my dears. We will. But the question is arising…how am I doing all this? How am I abducting 2-d characters, an entire stage crew, props, lights, an audience, a Plexiglas box, and the ability to control satellite TV transmission and the internet? Well, I'll tell you… _(she very calmly reaches behind her and pulls out something black and shiny with red buttons. Beginning to speak again, she holds up the item, a huge remote) _…I, my confused little ducklings, have Control Freaks remote! _(she throws back her head and laughs maniacally, then points the remote at the camera and the screen turns off)._

_(Camera fades in again the same cafeteria in the same Georgia private school. Before showing our three interviewers, a view of the Plexiglas box containing Robin and Raven is shown. Both Titans are sitting around in a very bored manner, having given up the fight a long time ago. Nonetheless, armed security guards surround the box. The camera swings to our interviewer's table, where only two interviewers sit, Star and Queen. Queen checks her watch)_

Queen: Shouldn't we be getting started?

Star: Yeah. Where's T?

Queen: _(leans her chair back and calls for the stage crew) _Yo! Camera people! Find Teen-Titans-Junkie!

Stage crew: Who?

Star: Tall, blonde chick?

_(One stage crew person points, and TTJ is found next to the box, talking to Robin, who is ignoring her)_

TTJ: And I have a dog. Actually, I have two dogs. And a little sister? You want the little sister? Hey, can I trade you for the little sister?

Queen: _(calling) _Hey, TTJ…

Star: Stop trying to seduce Robin---you're doing an awful job, by the way—and get over here! We got a show to do!

TTJ: _(pouts) _Fine…and it wasn't _that _bad of an effort. _(She looks around) _Where's the EMCEE?

_(The EMCEE is seen trying to sneak out the back door of the cafeteria. Queen stands up and points the remote at him)_

Queen: Oh, no you don't! _(she pushes a button and he magically appears back in front of the camera, with a microphone in his hand) _Start the show, or I shall beat you with the schtick.

EMCEE: _(moans in terror and then clears his throat, looking very traumatized. The audience begins to laugh as he speaks in a wavering voice) _We-welcome t-to _T-the Wo-world Needs t-to Know, T-teen Titans Edition. (He seems to get a hold over himself at this point, and straightens his tie.) _Today we're interviewing the third Titan so far, but first, let's reacquaint ourselves with the interviewers! _(camera swings to the table, and pans to Star) _Interviewer 1, StarStar16, _(swings to Queen, who is still holding remote threateningly)_ Interviewer 2, Queen-morganalefay, _(finally lands on where TTJ should be, but instead it's just a cardboard cut out of TTJ) _and…Teen-Titans-Junkie?

_(In the background you can hear TTJ talking to Robin again)_

TTJ: And I have a car…sort of. It's my mom's car, but still. It's sort of my car. I can drive, too…

Queen: If you don't get over here you'll miss the interview!

TTJ: You haven't called anyone good out so far! When you call out someone good, I'll---

EMCEE: And now to introduce our next 'guest', Beast Boy! _(The green changeling walks into the cafeteria for a second, then breaking into a sheepish grin as the audience begins to clap. TTJ quickly takes her seat and all three beckon BB to his armchair)_

Beast Boy: Um…what did they put in my tofu?

TTJ: Beast Boy! Buddy!

Star: My brother!...wait, you're cooler than my brother.

_(Beast Boy half laughs nervously and sits down. Audience claps wildly and you notice several people in the crowd cat-calling)_

Beast Boy: Umm…dude…did I win something?

TTJ: Only a day with us, buddy!

Queen: Beast Boy, you are here to be asked a few questions by us. _(She waves her hand toward her friends and TTJ waves at the green changeling who still looks extremely confused)_

Beast Boy: Like the CIA?

Star: No, like the NSA.

BB: The who?

TTJ: No, not the Who.

Queen: Yeah, Queen.

TTJ: Beatles!

Queen: _(sighs in exasperation) _It's Queen, and you know it.

TTJ: The Beatles can totally whip Queen.

Queen: Not on your life.

Star: _(holds up hand to stop debate) _Anyways…Beast Boy, I want to ask the first question. Are you on drugs?

BB: Umm…are you?

Star: Knew it. Do you have some? _(holds hand out. TTJ slaps it away and waggles a finger)_

TTJ: No asking for other people's stashes in the middle of interviews!

Queen: Yeah…you ask for their CD collection. _(leans forward) _Beast Boy…we know that you have tried time and time again to obtain a moped. That must be frustrating for you, finally getting one and having it destroyed by alien tofu.

BB: _(jumps to his feet) _It was totally not fair! The tofu was all "Bob" and they kept getting my name wrong and Robin wouldn't listen to me and it wasn't even real meat and—

Queen: Yes, yes, that's nice. Now, what would you say if we were giving you a moped—

Star: --of your own—

TTJ: --this very day?

BB: Really?

All three: No.

BB: _(looks shocked, then pouts)_

TTJ: Aww…_(makes the face)_don't be sad! Com'on, I have a question for you!

BB: What?

TTJ: This may be personal, but…can you change gender?

BB: Huh?

Queen: She means can you change into a chick---you gotta speak on his level, Junkie.

BB: EW! Why would I want to?

Star: The same reason Robin wants to…_(at this point very loud yells of protest are heard from the Plexiglas box)_

TTJ: That's not the point. It's not why you would, it's could you?

BB: I don't know…

Queen: I think he should try. What do you guys think?

Star: Yep.

TTJ: Absolutely.

Queen: Audience? _(Turns chair toward audience and the audience starts cheering. You see Beast Boy turning a scarlet shade of red and sinking further into the armchair. As he mutters something about not wanting to, Queen points the remote at him and instantly a green girl with a pixie cut sits before them.) _Hmm…interesting..

BB (or BG, should we say): _(yelps and hides behind the chair) _

TTJ and Star: DUH-NUH, DUH-NUH, DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY! _(both fall over laughing)_

Queen: _(changes him back in a bored manner, and then looks back to Beast Boy) _So, back to our topic…now that you've experienced your feminine side…_(audience snickers)_ do you think you can identify more with Terra's betrayal?

BB: _(face turns stormy)_

TTJ: _(looks angry) _Don't ask him about that---

Star: _(looks shocked) _TTJ! Such language!

TTJ: But I didn't call her anything!

Queen: But you were going to! And, yes, I shall ask him. You know us wily females, Beast Boy, sometimes we have to go to the dark side. So, do you still love Terra even though she's a rock?

BB: _(muttering)_ We're looking for a cure…

Queen: Why didn't you just use Control Freak's remote?

BB: Duh. Cause it wouldn't have worked…

Queen: Did you try it…

BB: NO.

Queen: _(leaning toward the others) _I think I've upset him.

TTJ: _(waves her off) _Easily remedied. _(points behind Beast Boy) _Look! Something shiny!

BB: _(turning fast enough to cause whiplash) _Where?

Stage crew: FIVE MORE MINUTES!

Queen: Guys, we gotta wrap this up.

TTJ: But how are we gonna get him in the box?

Star: Watch this. _(stands and goes over to Beast Boy.) _Hey, BB, we really do have a moped. It's right over here.

BB: Really?

Star: Yep.

BB: Cool…_(follows Star, and the camera focuses back on the EMCEE as you can hear in the background BB and Star's voices, sometimes even Raven's and Robin's) _Hey, wait this isn't a—

Robin: Beast Boy, run! They're insane!

Queen: _(points remote into the background, and suddenly the camera swings off kilter and you see Robin being attacked by chickens)_

Robin: Beast…Boy…don't…get…in…cage.

EMCEE: And that's---

Star: That's right, moped's in there.

BB: Where?

Star: Raven's got it under her cloak.

EMCEE: ---the end of the third episode of---

TTJ: Don't let Raven escape!

EMCEE: ---_The World Needs To Know. _Tomorrow we'll be back---

Queen: Oh, no you don't! _(several loud explosions are heard, and the three girls emerge, Queen wearing Raven's cloak)_

EMCEE: --with the fourth Titan. Until then---

_(but the screen suddenly flips, and a ring is shown. A phone rings, and someone picks it up. Someone who sounds like TTJ)_

Answerer: Hello?

_(the person who called sounds like Queen through a voice changer)_

Mysterious person: You're milk will expire in seven days…

Answerer: NOOOOO!


	4. Starfire

**Author's Note: **I suppose I must count Starfire among the Titans…but, my duckies, I'm not sure this will be a regular interview. Oh no, the Tameranian will get an unusual welcome from me…

* * *

_(camera comes into focus again on the cafeteria. You can see the Plexiglas box, where Raven is meditating, Robin is hitting the glass with random grenades, and Beast Boy is changing into random shapes to amuse himself. Queen is sitting at the table by herself, looking very pissed off, while Star and TTJ walk up to her, having three bottles of soda and sitting down)_

Queen: I'm going to kill her.

TTJ: You always do. Haven't you learned that she comes back?

Star: You can't kill her! I've got to ask some important questions!

Queen: _(eyes narrow) _But I can try.

EMCEE: _(comes onscreen) _Um…would you like me to begin?

Queen: If you must.

EMCEE: _(looking rather nervous) _Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to another thrilling edition of _The World Needs to Know, Teen Titans Edition! _Our special episode today will include Starfire! Everyone, make her feel welcome!

_(As Starfire flies into the cafeteria, at first looking confused, but then noticing other people, she beams happily. The audience has a lone clapper who quickly silences when he realizes why everyone else is not clapping. Starfire flies toward our three interviewers, and looks at the chair across the table…which is just a regular chair) _

TTJ: _(whispering) _Oh, so she doesn't get the armchair?

Queen: Of course not!

Starfire: Hello, new acquaintances! I am happy to meet you all! _(she starts to close in for a hug, but Queen gives her a look that stops her dead in her tracks) _Um…may I ask? What are your names, where do you come from, how did you get here, what is your favorite color, and will you be my friend?

Star: StarStar16, a very scary place, took my mom's car, not important, and…sure, if you've got some weed.

TTJ: Star!

Starfire: Yes?

TTJ: No, not you.

Star: What? You know she's got some, she acts like she's on it.

TTJ: Not the point…fine. Teen-Titans-Junkie, a similarly scary place, hitched a ride, purple, and why not?

Starfire: _(turns to Queen) _And you, new acquaintance?

Queen: My name is Queen-morganalefay. I came from a place darker than hell. I arrived in an angry mood. My favorite colors are purple and black. And it depends on your definition of friend.

Starfire: I do not understand.

Queen: Do you ever?

TTJ: Hehehe _(nervous laughter)_. Okay…on with the interview. Star—

Star: Yes?

TTJ: Not you! Starfire, won't you have a seat? _(Starfire obediently sits down and TTJ continues) _Starfire, would you do us the honor of giving us an interview?

Starfire: Your earthly ways are strange to me. What is an interview?

Queen: It's a session where we beat you unconscious before drowning you in the—

TTJ: It's where we ask you a bunch of questions, about you! I'll start…_(leans forward, looking genuinely concerned) _So, truly, what is your I.Q.? Half the time you're a total genius, and then you revert to being a complete moron!

Starfire: On my planet—

Queen: Well, that's all very interesting, but answer the question.

Starfire: --the intelligence is measured to be at a level of three hundred quaknars…

Star: Right…anyways…_(turns on the big screen TV and brings up the image from the Raven interview of Starfire and Raven in the very…ahem…awkward position)_ Starfire, if it's not too personal, what do you have to say about this? Actual, even if it is too personal, what do you have to say about this?

TTJ: But what is a quaknar? And how do you measure it?...how much does your brain weigh?

Queen: You were trying to rape Raven, weren't you?

Star: But you can tell from the picture that Raven is on top, so how would that work?

TTJ: But I still don't understand what a quaknar is!

Starfire: Your earthly ways are strange to me. Is it customary here to use very little of the 'common sense' during these 'interviews'?

TTJ: Yes, very. Now, what the hell is a quaknar!

Starfire: It is a –

Queen: We don't care. Answer our questions!

Star: No, it's not important anymore. _(leans forward_) So…have you and Robin…you know…

TTJ and Queen: We so did not need that image!

Queen_: (mumbling to herself) _Make the red head die, make the red head die…must kill…kill…

TTJ: Is that you, Mario?

Queen: No, it'sa Luigi.

Star: Oookay…but Star, have you…you know…

Starfire: Robin and I are the friends, but he does not consider me the girl friend, and I do not know why I cannot be both a girl and his friend.

Star: But have you…you know, put out the towel? Kneaded the biscuits? Cooked the hotdog?

Starfire: Hotdogs are good with the delicacy of mustard…

Queen: _(smirks)_

TTJ: _(moaning) _MAKE IT STOP! _(starts to walk away) _Okay, have fun, I'll be back next interview.

Queen: _(throws the Raven cloak over her shoulder, points the remote at her best friend, and rewinds her back into her seat, where TTJ glares at Queen and then hits her hard with the schtick. Queen laughs maniacally) _There is no escape…

TTJ: We're in a room full of heroes, and I get treated like this!

Star: ANSWER THE QUESTION!

EMCEE: We've run out of time. Do you want to start…um…escorting her to the backstage tour?

TTJ: Sure, we'll get her in the---

Queen: Oh, no. She doesn't get to go backstage. We have a special dressing room for Starfire. _(walks over to Starfire) _Starfire, on our planet it is customary after an interview for the person to follow one of the hosts anywhere the host wants to go, and do whatever she says. It's impolite to refuse, and you would be shaming your planet by being impolite.

Starfire: My dear friend, I would never be impo—

TTJ: Don't do it! DON'T TRUST HER! No bloodshed, no bloodshed!

_(The camera goes offline, but you still hear the EMCEE. Nothing can be seen on the screen but black, but in the background you can hear the others)_

_EMCEE:_ We're having some technical difficulties, but never fear. This has been another episode of _The World Needs to Know_. Tune into tomorrow's episode where we will have the final Titan on our hero segment, and then move on to the neutral characters! We will---

Queen :Just go in there, Starfire. You don't want to insult me, do you?

TTJ: Trust me, you don't. BUT DON'T DO IT!

Starfire: This looks much like the cage that Robin tells me I should avoid at villain's hideouts when we are fighting the—

Queen: It's all an illusion…

Star: Cause you're all on drugs…

Starfire: I will not disappoint my people.

Queen: I'm sure you won't.

Robin: Starfire, they're crazy! Don't get in the cage! Don't get in the cage!

TTJ: I'm not CRAZY! My therapist says I'm perfectly fine…

BeastBoy: Why does she go in a separate cage?

Queen: You really think I'm letting Star have the chance to rape Robin?

Star: I DON'T WANT TO RAPE ROBIN!

Queen: NOT YOU! _(there is a loud whir sound, and chickens start clucking, so it sounds…)_

TTJ: I didn't need to know! Wait..what are you doing with shock collar?

Queen: _(maniacal laughter) _Nothing…

Star: Get it away from her!

Starfire: Friends, would it be impolite not to wear this?

Queen: Yes, very. Now, put it on.

EMCEE: ---bring you back to visual as soon as we can, and definitely tomorrow. Until then! _(hurriedly signs off, and the sound is cut off. Regular programming resumes, right after a commercial about chickens)_

Commercial: Chickens, chickens, the salty, ever-tasting-like-everything goodness! _(Does not stop burglars or insane interviewers, but helps them in their evil cause.)_


	5. Cyborg

**Author's Note: **And, on to Cyborg! I have a question to ask of Cyborg that must (I mean, absolutely _must_) be answered. On with the show!

* * *

(_camera focuses in on a, surprisingly, empty cafeteria. After panning for a moment, it zooms into the gym that is adjoined to the cafeteria, where the table has been moved, along with Starfire's cage and the other Titan's Plexiglas box. Starfire's perfect hair looks more than just slightly messed up, and she is looking very dejected. The other Titans are huddling in a group, conversing)_

Robin: I thought the crazy one was never going to stop shocking Star. Everytime she said anything at all…

Raven: _The _crazy one? They're all crazy. We're in a plastic box, Robin.

Beast Boy: They made me be a girl!

Raven: The only way we're going to get out of here is if we get Control Freak's remote away from Queen-morganalefay.

Beast Boy: They made me be a _girl!_

Robin: Well, how do you suggest we do that? She used the power button to turn your powers off, Raven, and Beast Boy can only change into a chicken. And that StarStar16 girl took away my weapons…and my cape.

Beast Boy: And they _made me be a GIRL!_

Raven: We heard you the first time.

Beast Boy: You just don't understand.

Raven: Well, someone's PMSing.

(_The three interviewers walk in, with Queen smirking wide. The other two are looking slightly aggravated)_

TTJ: Queen, you simply cannot ask him that question.

Queen: Why not? Star got to ask her stupid question about that awful picture.

Star: Well, it was important, and the world needed to know!

(_Theme music begins to play. Star glares heatedly at the backstage crew)_

Star: Not NOW, you idiots! I was only stating the fact. (_rolls eyes) _Seriously, where did we pick up these losers?

Queen: Behind the Burger King parking lot, next to the dumpster.

TTJ: When I suggested we get bums to save budget money I wasn't speaking literally.

Queen: Too late for that now. (_takes her seat and looks over to the EMCEE_) Are we ready?

EMCEE: As much as we'll ever be. Camera's are testing currently and satellite and cable feed is interrupted, along with the scrambler.

Queen: Excellent. Hey, guys, has the thought ever crossed your mind, maybe we should wear hockey masks when we do this? To mask our identity?

TTJ: (_pouts) _But I finally got my hair to do what I wanted it to do this morning!

Star: (_waves hand)_ Never mind that. We need to get on with the interview. Besides, I want to interview a villain tomorrow.

Queen: Which one?

TTJ: Can we interview Terra?

Queen: She's not a villain….besides, are we sure our crew and set could handle a villain?

Star: Screw it. Who cares if this stuff get's destroyed? It's not ours…

EMCEE: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the last of the main heroes to be welcomed into _The World Needs to Know: Teen Titans Edition_! I would like to introduce, that medical marvel, the robotic man, Cyborg!

Queen: You sound as if you are inviting him to wrestle.

(_Cyborg walks in and looks around, looking extremely peeved)_

Cyborg: Beast Boy, did you know you stacked so much junk in the hall closet that…what the—where the heck am I? (_raises an eye at Robin, Beast Boy, and Raven)_ And why are ya'll in a box? (_looks at Starfire)_ Umm…Star…didn't Robin tell you not to go into cages?

Starfire: I was informed it would be extremely rude to—(_yelps when Queen shocks her with the collar)._

TTJ: Hey, Cy! Whazzup, buddy!

Queen: Won't you have a seat? We just want to interview you.

Robin: Cy, get us out of here, they're crazy!

(_Queen places him in his seat using the remote)_

Queen: I truly do love technology.

Star: Are your screws loose?

Cy: What?

Star: Do you need someone to tighten your screws?

Cy: Um…

TTJ: Star! That's entirely uncalled for. (_leans forward)_ So, since your metal parts are white, but your skin is black, would that make you Caucasian or African American?

Queen: JUNKIE!

TTJ: What? It's a perfectly viable question.

Cy: Um, this is just a guess, but are ya'll escaped from Arkham?

Star: Muhahahahaha.

Queen: Nope. Milledgeville.

Cy: Ooookay.

Queen: I was wondering, Cy. Can I call you Cy?

Cy: No.

Queen: Okay, Cy. Now, are you too sexy for your shirt?

Star and TTJ: We told you not to ask him!

Cy: What?

Queen: Are you too sexy for your shirt? Because you're not wearing one.

Cy: random. Besides, why would I wear a shirt? Most of me is metal, it would be pointless to wear—

Queen: Come to think of it, you're not wearing pants either.

TTJ: (_shakes head)_ Here we go.

Queen: So wears your….you know. Was it destroyed too, or is it like a cord now, or—

Cy: Now, really! That's just—

Star: But, wouldn't that make him a she?

TTJ: No, it would make him a he/she/it.

Queen: Or just an it, because I don't think he has either organs. Hmm…probably why he never has a girlfriend.

Cy: That's not it! I'm just too busy…

Queen: Tell the truth…Jinx dumped you because your electrical parts didn't turn her on.

TTJ: (_starts giggling)_ No, Jinx just left him because Bumblebee had a better _spark _with him.

Star: _(crosses arms)_ I don't see how any of this is funny. I want to interview Robin some more.

TTJ: I gotta car, I gotta car, yeah!

Star: Oookay, that was random.

Queen: Not really. Cy, have you ever battled an army of invisible reversed vampire penguins?

Cy: No…why?

Queen: Hm…would you like to? (_points the remote and Cy's chair is knocked backwards by some force. He yelps and begins to run)_

Cy: Get 'em away, get 'em away! Make them stop biting!

_(Loud sirens go off)_

Queen: Oh, he said the magic word.

Star: Great. (_rolls eyes)_

_(Chickens are dumped all over Cyborg from the sky, and chase him into the Plexiglas box. The EMCEE gets in front of the camera again, wiping sweat off his brow)_

EMCEE: Until tomorrow, America, this is _The World Needs to Know!_ And I would like to inform any police who happen to be watching that I am not in cahoots with these scoundrels.

TTJ: Hehe, he said cahoots!

Queen: Newfangled!

Star: Tickled pink!

TTJ: Our EMCEE is old, hehehe. _(All three girls dissolve in laughter. Camera fades out, after a commercial)_

Commercial: This is Rob. Rob is doing well. Very well indeed. That's because Rob has decided he wants more power in his life. And what did he get? Why, a little more oil in his gears. A higher upgrade. And a more sleek CPU in lower places…


End file.
